The reason it has been so long since we've written Pt. 1

Well, if anyone was following this little blog before, they definitely aren't now since it has been two years since we've said anything to anyone about our lives. I promise, there has been good reason for this, and furthermore, I promise to be better about updating you with our lives. It looks like the last time you heard from us was in 2009 (shameful I know). The reason for this is because in November of 2009, we were placed with our beautiful son Devon. It has completely changed our lives, and admittedly doesn't leave a lot of time for blogging.

It has been a monumental adjustment period, and now were a going though all of the ups downs, joys and trials of parenthood. I feel that before I talk about the present, I need to back up tremendously and talk about the process.

In mid November of 2009 we got the call that we had been waiting for... well forever. Our social worker let us know that there was a 3 year old who had been in long term foster care and we were asked if we were interested in establishing a permanent home for him, with the intent to adopt. I know that I remember my excitement being muddled with a bit of fear. She talked about this little boy who had, at the time, been considered cognitively and verbally "delayed". Not knowing that that meant, we were apprehensive to immediately say "Yes, we will commit to forever. The seemingly obvious questions started to flood our brains. "How delayed is delayed? Is this someone who will be able to forge out on his own in adulthood? Were the delays caused by nature, or nurture? I remember feeling bad about even wondering these things, admonishing myself for not immediately being willing to parent the first child in need of it. I had to remind myself that it is okay to ask, and without proper knowledge, I would be unable to properly care for my new son, if he did come home.

Will all of these realities to consider, we let our social worker know that we were overjoyed with the possibility of parenthood, and decided to move forward. A few days later, we received our second phone call regarding this little boy, and at first it seemed like our dreams were being dashed again. Our social worker let us know that the courts wanted to propose "legal guardianship" for him, and at this time, the prospect of outright adoption was not being offered. The reasoning for this was that, at the time, the biological mother was still granted visits with her son, and the courts feared that an adoption would sever that tie. We were asked again if we wanted to pursue this placement. If we were willing to provide a long term home for a child, with the knowledge that if at any time his biological mother's circumstances changed, she could petition to end our guardianship and could be granted physical custody. It was very difficult. Jessie and I had, over the days become very attached to the idea of this child, and were very hesitant to let this impending dream die. We were told by our social worker that it was a great risk to move forward, and that she personally did not advise it. I was sure at this point that I was not yet destined to be a mother. I don't know if it was blind determination or stupid naivete, but after long discussions, usually at times I would have otherwise been sleeping, Jessie and I decided not to give up, and we again let our social worker know that we wanted to move forward with the placement. She set up the meeting between us and the child's placement workers.

I will never forget the excitement of walking into the county offices with the knowledge that I was going to get the full story on the child that has occupied all of my thoughts for weeks. We were not at an appointment to meet him just yet, that would come later, but we were there to talk to the women who had been in charge of his case for the last three years. To find out how severe, it at all, his delays were. To find out what he was like. Who he was. We walked into a conference room with our social worker and two others, and were presented with a huge binder. Anything that could be known about a child who had spent three years in the care of strangers was in that file. We were told that he was talking, but not at the level considered appropriate for his age. He had his four front teeth pulled from bottle rot and would need a temporary bridge until his permanent teeth came in, and he had eczema that was not being treated well. The more they told us, the more this child, my child, seemed like the perfect fit. We discussed the prospect of legal guardianship, and were told by his workers that it was not set in stone, but since the courts had not found a suitable home for him, they were unwilling to sever his biological ties. It's understandable. Who takes a child from their mother without a viable backup plan? Lastly, we saw his photo, and I was hooked. He was the most beautiful child I had ever seen, and all I wanted to do was hold him. Jessie and I looked at each other, and then at the photo of our possible new son, and we told these workers, for the first time with complete certainty, that we were moving forward with the placement. It is a decision I have never once regretted.

All of the wonderful details of this story could not possibly be shared in one post, but I will leave you with the promise of the next step of this journey, our first meeting with Devon, and with this photo... the first we ever saw of our beautiful baby.

Matched

First of all, I’ve noticed that we missed writing about something. We are part of a program through UCLA Medical Center called Ties for Families. We went through nine hours of training between July 20th and August 3rd to be part of the program. What is Ties for Families? I’ll let them tell you themselves:

“TIES for Families is an interdisciplinary, university-based program established in 1995 to promote the successful adoption, growth, and development of children with special needs, especially those with prenatal substance exposure who are in foster care. The program is located on the UCLA campus and works in close collaboration with the public child welfare and mental health systems. The program employs an innovative model of intervention to reduce barriers to the adoption of these children and support their successful transition into permanent homes with stable, nurturing families.
Services are available free of charge to adoptive families of children who are placed and referred by the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services. TIES offers an innovative intervention model involving a nine hour program of preparation for adoptive parents, assessment of individual children’s development, and pre-placement consultation with prospective adoptive parents by a multi-disciplinary team regarding the child’s mental health, medical, and educational needs. There is a comprehensive array of intervention services available to children and families, including adoption counseling for new families in transition, individual and family therapy, home-visiting, psychological testing, monthly parental and child support groups, short-term weekly therapy groups for children and teens, parenting skills training, infant mental health, and new parent peer mentoring.
TIES for Families provides training at the local, state, and national level on the adoption of children with special needs and on the lessons learned from this innovative model of intervention. Training is offered to prospective and current adoptive parents, child social workers in public welfare, and professionals in the legal and mental health systems. Longitudinal research is being conducted on the effectiveness of the project and the developmental outcome of the children and their families” UCLA Ties for Families www.tiesforadoption.ucla.edu

Since being officially licensed in June, Jen and I have been called about four different matches. The county has not wasted any time in trying to get us placed!

As was written about in the post before this, the first match was August 13th. We were called about two brothers, ages one and three. Being our very first call, we were obviously ecstatic. Unfortunately, a few days later, we were informed that the birth mother had named two family members that she wanted the children to be placed with. Jen and I were crushed.

That same day we were offered a 4-year-old little boy, but he was attached to a 16-year-old brother, who did not want to be adopted. We are only twenty-three, making only a seven year difference in ages between us and the brother. We decided that that match just wasn’t for us.

About two weeks later we received our next match call. We were offered a 6-year-old boy. We decided against this match because our age range for what we want to adopt is between birth and six years. If we were to be placed with a 6-year-old, we would like it to be the oldest of a sibling group. We ultimately decided that this too would not be a good match for us.

On September 14th, we were called about a little 3-year-old boy. Based on what little background our social worker was able to give us, we decided to pursue this placement! Now we are learning how this process works.

First, after we accepted the match, our social worker had to meet with his adoptions social worker to compare notes and decide if this is a good match. About the same time we were contacted by Ties and told that they had been informed about the possible match, and had ordered all of his records. After that, then we had a “presentation meeting”. This included us, our social worker, his social worker, and his adoptions social worker. We were presented with all of his medical history, and everything about him that the social workers knew. We were told to go home, study all his records, and make a decision on if we still wanted to pursue placement. We looked over all the paperwork that night, did some research on what we found, and knew by the next morning that we definitely wanted this little guy! We let our social worker know that we were interested in pursing placement, but we absolutely needed Ties to do their evaluation of him beforehand.

As of today, Ties is working on their evaluation. Hopefully they will be able to complete their work in two to three weeks. We will have a meeting with them were they will fill us in on all of their findings. That’s when we have to decide yet again if we still want to pursue placement. Personally, I’m glad that they do all this checking and double-checking. That way hopefully there are fewer disrupted placements. After Ties, we can start our visits with him, and if that goes well, then we can bring him home and into our lives!

A Small Dose of Reality

Last Thursday was the most exciting day of this journey for me. I was sitting at work when out of nowhere my phone rang. It was our social worker. I immediately knew this had to be the news we’d been waiting for. We’ve been through all of the classes, been licensed for weeks, and all we’re waiting for now is “the call”. This had to be it! Trying to sound as calm as possible, I answered the phone. She immediately rushed through the pleasantries and told me that she had two little boys, ages three and one that she wanted to place with us and asked us if we would be interested. My brain nearly exploded! “Interested? Of course I’m interested!” I couldn’t wait until I could get off of the phone and tell Jessie that our dreams were coming true. Everything we talked about for years was becoming a reality for us. I told our social worker that we definitely wanted more information on the boys and asked her what we needed to do from this point. She let me know that she would be in contact and to sit tight. I hung up the phone and immediately called my Jessie. As I expected, she was as elated as I was.

For five agonizingly long days, Jess and I sat in silence while we heard no news from the county about the boys. During the initial call from our social worker I was told very little. She didn’t know their names, only that they were three and one. Even though I didn’t know very much, I made what I now think was a beginner’s mistake in telling the WORLD that we may have been placed. I think that in those five days I was asked five hundred times if there was any news. It was very hard. Finally on Tuesday I broke down and left a message on our social worker’s answering machine asking for an update. My only hope was that this wouldn’t annoy her. Luckily, it paid off and she called us back the same evening. Unfortunately, she did not call back with good news. Apparently, the birthmother of the two little boys has other family members that are willing to step forward and care for them, and so the case is being placed on hold until those avenues have been investigated. Needless to say, Jessie and I are very upset. At the same time, we’re trying to stay positive, knowing that if these kids are not meant for us, it simply means that there are another set that are, and those kids will be our perfect match.

The Sedberry Foster Family Home

Jen and I are officially home study approved and licensed by the state of California to be foster parents! Enter applause here. As with any bureaucracy, there is a story behind it.

As you know, we had our walk-through by the state on Saturday, June 13th. When the social worker left, he told us that everything looked good and that he would file the paperwork on Monday, once he received the pictures of the crib that we had to buy. After the paperwork was filed, we would receive our license in the mail in two weeks. Jen and I were ecstatic.

Two weeks came and went. Since the license was coming via snail-mail, I gave it the benefit of the doubt and waited a few more days. When nearly three weeks had passed, I called the social worker. He seemed surprised that we hadn’t received it yet. Call back if it hasn’t arrived in the next week or so, he told me.

We waited. Another week passed, with nothing. I called the social worker back. I listened as he looked up our license on his computer. He read off that we had been licensed by the state since June 18th. I glanced at the calendar: July 13th. It had been a full month since our walk-through! Our county social worker was waiting on this one last document before we were officially put into the recruitment center’s computers to find a match. Now nearly a month had been wasted. The state social worker told me that he would “have them regenerate a copy and send it to us”.

I called Jen at work and relayed the message. Jen was not happy with this vague outcome. So she took matters into her own hands. She is a bit of a Google wiz, and somehow found the number for the head office of Social Services Licensing in Sacramento, and got a hold of a director there. She was completely mystified by this: “How on Earth did you get this number?” It was a good thing that Jen found that number, though. Turns out that the state social worker was responsible for sending us the copy of our license! He had been sitting on it for all this time, doing nothing, assuming that we would just magically get our copy! The director was not happy. She called him and had him not only mail us our license, but fax a copy to us ASAP.

Coincidently, our county social worker called Jen the same day to congratulate us on being licensed. The county had received a copy of our license before we did!

On July 16th, two days shy of being licensed a month, we received the mailed copy of our foster license. It is proudly posted on our wall next to our telephone, naming us the “Sedberry Foster Family Home”. We also received a congratulations letter from the county, telling us that we are officially in the recruitment system, and can now literally be called any minute!

From prep work to interviews... we've completed it all!

Hello all,

It is my turn to blog again so of course there has been almost a two month long gap in postings. It's not that I don't want to write about everything we're doing, it's just that we've done SO much is a small amount of time. My wonderful wife has the luxury of having her mornings free, so when it's her turn to do this, she cranks them out no problem. A lot has happened since the last time we posted, so much in fact that we are completely done with the home study process. Let me start from the beginning.

First off, we completed our 6 week parenting classes on Monday May 11th. At the end of everything, our class size had shrunk considerably from the original 21 to 13 people. We celebrated the end of our training with a ceremonious pot luck. Not only did we learn immeasurable amounts of information on how to handle the toughest of situations, but we also built connections with other couples in the class. This is such an asset to us, because when we are faced with the challenges that I'm sure are ahead of us, we have people to turn to who are going through very similar situations. With the end of the class came our certificates of completion. These certificates were vital as they were the last documents needed for our state application.

On May 13th, just two days after the end of our classes, we had our first home study meeting with our county social worker. We were surprisingly not stressed out about this, which strangely stressed me out a little. Every time I have ever heard anything about "the dreaded home study" people have made it sound about as enjoyable as a root canal. I don't know if it's because we built such a good rapport with our social worker while in the classes, or just that we are fully confident that we are prepared for this, but Jessie and I walked into our first meeting with comfort. We were not wrong to do so. The first meeting was held at the children and family services office, and could not have gone better. We met with our worker at 2:00 pm and for over three hours talked about our childhood, our family support system, our relationship, and our willingness to be parents. All of the assumptions that our worker likes us were confirmed. She said things like "I can't wait to make you two one of my success stories" and "there is no reason why you two wouldn't be approved." It's one thing to know within yourself that you want to be a parent and provide a loving home to children, but it is quite another when a trained professional wholeheartedly agrees with you. We walked out of our meeting as a group, and even hugged our social worker goodbye. This makes us so happy, because we will be working with this person through the time that our adoption becomes finalized, and we could not have picked a nicer woman.

The next phase of our journey was the actual visit to our house. Our worker came over on Friday June 5th at 4:15 pm. Again, things went great. She walked through our house, and found no problems at all (which I'm sure is no surprise to anyone who read our "preparing the house" entry). Since she had already gotten most of the information she needed from us in our May 13th meeting, she didn't stay long at all and left by a quarter to 5. We proved to ourselves that the right prep work makes the inspection process a breeze. She was impressed that everything was done already, and I do mean everything, from installing safely locks to baby gates at the tops and bottom of our stairs. Upon leaving she told us that as far as the county was concerned, our home study process was over.

With the green light from the county, Jessie came to the decision that, after only a year, she wanted to trade in her Mazda Miata. This was a very hard decision for her since she loved that car almost as much as me. (I'm kidding, I think). She started talking about this soon after the county inspection was over, and on Sunday June 7th, we said our final goodbyes to our red convertible two-seater, and traded it in for the less maneuverable but more family practical Mazda Tribute SUV. I was surprised at how sad I was to see the little car go. Maybe it was our last connection to the idea of being just a twosome, or maybe it's just that I secretly enjoyed looking cool as we cruised down PCH with the top down. Whatever the reason, the freedoms that went along with having the Miata will be missed, even if they are being traded in for bigger and better adventures.

The last leg of our home study came at 8:30 in the morning on June 13th. The state rep arrived, as scheduled for his final meeting and inspection. Let me tell you right now, making me just like all the others that try to warn you, THIS is the part of the home study everyone talks about. When our county social worker came to inspect our house, she showed up with a clipboard and a smile. When our state rep showed up, he came fully loaded with a rolling travel bag equipped with a laptop, our entire file, and several forms to be reviewed, signed and posted. He was a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but he came with a specific job to do and he wasn't much for chit chat. This inspection, the "regulatory side" as the state calls it, inspects everything from the amount of food in the fridge, to the amount of closet space. He had a way of saying things like "mmm hmm" as he walked through the house that made Jessie and I glance at each other to try and figure out if something was wrong with what he was looking at. Later he would say something to indicate that he was happy with what he saw... but we still weren't convinced. Everything was going smoothly and he found nothing to dock us for until he checked our water temperature. When he did, he found that it was just over regulation and told us that he would have to schedule a follow up visit. We were crushed. We had worked so hard to get through everything, and we know that the longer this part of the process takes, the longer it will be before we're placed with our children. Jessie, being the quick-thinking handywoman that she is, took him to the water heater and turned the temp. down to well below the maximum allowed. Once she did this, he was convinced that he would not have to come back after all and we were in the clear again. As the meeting was winding down, he went through our home study work up with us, and said that we were all cleared to be licensed for children over the age of two. Again our emotions took a nose dive. We have every intention of adopting two little boys and our ideal ages are infant/toddler and preschooler/early elementary. When we asked him why he wasn't licensing us to adopt infants, he informed us that since we did not have a crib in the house, he couldn't grant us a license for a child that would need to sleep in one. This frustrated us a little since we were told that as long as we had room for a crib, we would not need to purchase one until it was confirmed that we were being placed with a baby. We showed him a print out we had from BabiesRus of a crib we had previously picked out, but he said that wouldn't do, and that we had to have it on the premises. We thought quickly again and asked him if we could buy it after he left and send him pictures of it set up in the kid's room. he agreed that this was a good idea, and said that he would wait to issue our license until he received the e-mailed pictures on Monday morning. With that taken care of, he was satisfied with the interview, and left just before 11:00 am.

Jessie and I spent the better part of last Saturday searching for and putting together a crib. We took a small break to go to a friends housewarming party, but other than that, the day was all about babies. This was our first real opportunity to fall completely in love with the new SUV we bought, since buying a crib and mattress was no sweat with the huge amount of trunk space we now own. We were able to walk into a store, buy a large piece of furniture, and toss it in the back like a sack of groceries. I'm hooked, and will probably never own a sedan again. Even Jessie admits that she loves the new car. I'm happy we're both so happy with it.

Here is the crib that we purchased:

Our county social worker called us about a week ago to let us know that our first opportunity to be exposed to the children available will be on June 28th. There is a presentation being hosted by a wonderful organization called The Heart Gallery, you can visit their website at http://www.shareyourheartla.org/ and they specialize in sibling groups and older children. They are a huge supporter of LGBT families and the HRC even awarded them with this recognition this year. We'll be going to a wine tasting and there will be a presentation about the kids currently available. Jessie and I are very excited because it is our first real glimpse into our new world. With that, I am ready to sign off. It is Jessie and my one year legal marriage anniversary, thanks to the brief moment last year when LGBT couples were afforded the same rights as the rest of Californians to marry. We are celebrating with a quiet dinner out and some quality time together. We realize that quiet evenings with just the two of us are coming to an end, so we want to celebrate one last anniversary with calm togetherness. Thanks for reading. :)

Preparing the House

We have finished preparing the house for the Fost-Adopt home studies. We will have two: one for DCFS (LA County), and one for the state of California. Here is the general breakdown of what we have done to our condo to prepare:

Installed baby-proof latches on all our drawers and cabinets
Installed safety device on the mini blind cords
Installed 3 baby gates (hooray for 2 flights of stairs!)
Bought/Installed a fire extinguisher in the kitchen
Found all the utility/emergency numbers and posted them by the telephone
Bought a locking box to store all of our medications
3-Story emergency ladder
Two convertible car seats

We also renovated our “spare room” into a full fledged bedroom:

Bunk beds & bedding

Dresser & Lamp

9-Cubby “cubicle storage unit” with 4 baskets (the other 5 cubbies work as a bookcase)

Multi-colored plastic bin toy storage unit

“Twilight Turtle” constellation night light

Elegant Baby piggy bank


We're pretty sure that we've been a little over-zealous with the preparations, but our theory is that it's better to be over-prepared than under-prepared!

For the State we've set up the fingerprinting for the 30th (which is also Jen's 23rd birthday!). It's going to cost $50/person, which is totally exciting.

For the County we've set up the first part of the home study process, which is 3 interviews: one with both of us, and one for each privately with the social worker.

The Dreaded TB Test

One of the steps of the application process, both for the State and County, is a physical and TB test. Basically the two departments want to ensure that we are healthy enough to physically take care of a child.

I hate needles.

When you’re a child and it’s time for your booster shots, your parents stuffed you in the car, strapped you down with the seatbelt, took you to the doctor, then forced you into the exam room while you screamed and cried. Well, at least that’s what my experience was like. It’s a whole new ball game once you reach adulthood. You don’t have anyone making you do anything. It is sheer willpower propelling you to the doctor’s office.

On my way to the doctor I received a text message from Jen, telling me that they have to draw blood to check our cholesterol levels. Two needles. Jeepers.

When I walked in to the exam room, I was very happy to see Jen sitting on a chair sipping water (her appointment was right before mine). As soon as I saw her, she stuck her arm out to show me a horrendous bloody bubble and said happily “It doesn’t hurt at all!”

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Liar, liar, pants on fire”? I was pretty sure that applied to my well-intentioned wife.

They decided to take the urine sample first, which was lucky since I had guzzled about a gallon of water an hour before the physical. I did my pee-pee dance all the way to the lavatory. Then they did all the basics: temperature, blood pressure, listened to my heart and lungs, and looked in my mouth (for what exactly, I don’t know).

Then the time came for the blood sample. I decided to lie down on the table because last time I had blood drawn I was quite sick, and instantly fainted. Even though I felt fine, I didn’t want to risk it. They used a “butterfly” needle, which is generally intended for children and is very thin, since I have such a tiny arm. As they were preparing my arm, Jen held my hand, smiling all the while. I looked at her, and said in my head, “it’s for the children!” I barely felt the needle. Once that was done, they did the TB test on the same arm. I didn’t look to see what they did; all I know is that it felt like something scraped hard against my skin, similar to when a cat digs its claws into you to launch itself at something.

Jen’s pants weren’t ablaze, but there was definitely a little smoke.